She's 2 years old now and I'm gearing up to give birth to her baby brother any second, but I remember the day Elizabeth Ray entered the world like it was yesterday. Her birth story was quite traumatic and I'm still, in some ways, processing the horror of it all. I never took the time to write it out; partly because I am raising 3 children and haven't made the time and partly because I'm not sure how to put much of it into words.
With that being said, I'm going to document it as best as I can before I have a new, redemptive, birth story to share with you all. It's long, I kept everything in that I could remember. This is more for me, than for you.
Thursday, November 12th, 2015: I asked my husband to work from home because I had a few intense contractions. He works about an hour and a half away from home and I just wanted to be sure he stayed close that day. I wasn't timing contractions or feeling like I was in labor, but I felt close. I called my mom before she left for work and told her not to come out but to keep her phone close by. My contractions were VERY irregular but felt "real". I'd have to stop and breath through them but I wasn't getting more than 1 every hour.
A friend of mine took my 2 kids to the library for story time and allowed me to stay home and rest. My mom called and said she wanted to come out, even though I specifically asked her not to. I felt discouraged that my husband was home, my mom was on her way, my kids were taken care of, but I wasn't progressing. My mom came out and just sat on the couch, waiting for something to happen. It was stormy out so we couldn't go walk, I didn't even call my midwife because I wasn't sure what was happening yet. I just knew I wanted baby to come soon.
After a long day of very little excitement, my mom went home. I started to research irregular contractions and came to the conclusion that baby was OP (sunny side up) which was delaying labor. I was recommend a few moves from the Miles Circuit and tried to get baby to flip. We headed to bed that night and I was crying out to the Lord for something to happen before Nathaniel had to leave for work the next morning (at 5:30am). I just didn't want him far away, the contractions I WAS having were hard and needed my full attention, they just weren't picking up.
Friday, November 13th, 2015: I woke up at 4:20am to a BIG contraction. I stared at my alarm clock and begged God for this to be it. I dozed back off to sleep and woke up at 4:30 to another BIG contraction. Phew, 10 minutes apart, now we're on to something. I laid until 4:40 when another BIG contraction came and I was ready to jump for joy. I got up to use the bathroom and in the process lost my plug and had some bloody show. PRAISE GOD! THIS WAS IT! IT'S HAPPENING!
After I went to the bathroom my contractions started coming quick. I used my contraction timer app to keep track and instantly the contractions were 4 minutes apart, 3 minutes apart, 2 minutes apart and before Nathaniel's alarm went off at 5:00 I called his dad to have him come up and be with the kids so we could go to the hospital. At 4:59 I woke Nathaniel up and said "We HAVE to get to the hospital, my contractions are 2 minutes apart". I set out breakfast while Nathaniel got dressed and his dad was there in minutes. I was laboring in front of my father-in-law which I'll never forget as so incredibly awkward to me, but we were out the door and at the hospital by 5:15.
I had a HUGE contraction in the parking lot that felt very much like someone stabbing me in the back with a knife. During this time Nathaniel was trying to pray for me and laid his hand on my back which intensified the pain and I was not happy. We scurried to the front door only to find that it was locked... WHAT!?! This same door happens to be the Emergency Room door. There was a "call" button to push which went to someone's desk phone but no one answered. So we were locked out. Thankfully, after a few minutes of panic, a janitor happened to walk by and let us in.
We didn't pass a single person on our way to the Birthing Wing in the very back of the Hospital. Thankfully, right when we walked into the doors of the Birthing Wing there was a nurse walking by. I think I said "Well, it's a great day to have a baby" and she says "You think so, huh?". I told her I hadn't called my midwife but my contractions were coming on quick and strong. She said she can't get us into a room until we've registered and that we'd have to go back to the front desk and register. What? It was a ghost town out there lady, there was no one who could register us and I wasn't going to walk all the way back through the hospital. She agreed to let me stay in a room while my husband went to register me. I think it took him 10 minutes to do that and come back with papers for me to sign and then he had to go return the papers. I kept asking the nurse to run the tub and call my midwife and she said she couldn't do anything until I was registered and that my midwife would want to know how far along I was and she couldn't check me until after I got registered. She wouldn't even let me get into a gown for fear of "dirtying laundry unnecessarily".... at this point I was VERY clearly in labor and miserable. I was admitted, finally, at 5:50am - the nurse checked me. I was at 5.5 cm, 90% effaced, and baby was at -1 station. She called my Midwife and then started the tub. I got in the tub around 6 and finally was able to be coherent and reasonable between contractions. I could think clearly again and had a tiny break between contractions. I had to pee so bad and there was no toilet in the tub room. I told my husband I wanted to pee in the sink because I had to go so bad. He wouldn't let me. I was really uncomfortable in this particular tub because there was a button to the jets right on the edge of the only part I could lean over during contractions. So every contraction I'd bump that button and jets would shoot right into my stomach.... THE WORST. The nurse came in to see how I was doing and I kept asking for my Midwife. She said she was on her way and instantly I started feeling some pressure to push. I asked the nurse to check me again and she said she couldn't feel any cervix so I needed to get back to my room for delivery. As we walked down the hall my Midwife came running in. I was SO relieved to see her and hear her voice. And to be almost done....
We got into the room and my Midwife checked me again (right around 6:15).... she said I was at 5cm. Wait WHAT!?! I went backwards? And I'm not done? In hindsight, the nurse was most likely wrong with her first and second check but I couldn't see that in the moment. My Midwife assured me I was still progressing and that I was fully effaced and baby was at +1 station so progress really was being made. In my mind and body I gave up. I asked for an epidural. I wanted out, I had already been put through so much emotionally, laboring alone in a room for 20 minutes while my husband got me registered, waiting for the nurse to even start the tub or call my Midwife, being uncomfortable in the tub and having to get out - I didn't feel like I had any coping options so I gave up. My Midwife explained that the Anesthesiologist was on call and it would probably be 30 minutes before he got there. I didn't care, at least I had an end in sight. I was immediately hooked up to a fetal monitor, an IV, and a blood pressure machine. I was completely stuck in bed with very limited options to move since I had cords on both arms and a band around my stomach. They had to get a full IV in me which they started at 6:35 and told me would take about 30 minutes... HOPEFULLY the anesthesiologist would be there by then.
My husband was fanning my face and quiet, my Midwife sat on a bench, helpless, and just watched. I was sinking deeper and deeper mentally with each contraction and they didn't seem to stop. My back was in constant pain. My Midwife offered me some combs to squeeze, at first I had no idea what she was talking about, and then she brought in hair combs and I squeezed them until I was almost bleeding... It didn't help. I asked my husband to put deodorment on me because I could smell myself, I asked him to give me water only I couldn't swallow it, I just let it pour right out of my mouth, and I had him fan me because I was sweating. I'm so thankful for him. He made that last stretch possible.
The Anesthesiologist showed up at 7:20.... almost an hour later. During this time there was a nurse shift change so there were actually 4 nurses in the room, my midwife and husband, and the Anesthesiologist and his assistant. Immediately they were placing caps and masks on us to create a "sterile environment" for the epidural. I was told by a nurse to sit up on the edge of the bed and hold still.... I couldn't. I was arching my back in so much pain, I didn't see any way I'd be able to sit still. That last hour felt like one continuous contraction. She started holding me down by my shoulders with all her might. The anesthesiologist was still setting up and wasn't even ready so I had no idea why I was being held down. It took several contractions for him to get set up and tape off my back and clean it and whatever else he did back there before he was ready and I, for the life of me, could not sit still. He stuck the epidural in and missed. I started to feel very strong pressure to push and said "I have to push" and the nurse continued to hold me down on the bed while I could feel my baby's head coming out. I said again "I have to push" and no one listened. There were so many people and so much chaos and all I remember is everyone in scrubs running around ignoring me. I was sitting on my baby's head and at my lowest point.
Somehow, the epidural needle did get put in and I was laid back down. I caught my breath while my Midwife came to check me and said "Oh, you DO need to push, on the next contraction go ahead.". I think a very small amount of the epidural medicine got put in the needle while she was checking me but I never felt any relief. I never went numb so I'm not sure exactly what happened. There might not have been time for them to put any medicine in it because I said, again, I have to push. I felt all of baby, placenta, and everything else so either the medicine got put in too late, or none was ever administered.
I told my husband to call our moms and somehow he had a few minutes to do that before I committed to getting this baby out and pushed Elizabeth Ray into her first breath at 7:45am.
I felt tortured, disrespected, ignored, and alone almost from start to finish at the Hospital. I talked it all through with my Midwife afterwards and she heard my say "I had to push" but she said since I had felt pressure at 5cm she didn't want to stop the epidural process only to find out I was only at a 6. She felt scared and defeated for me, too. I didn't have a voice and I didn't enjoy a second of my labor or delivery.
After baby came out, my Midwife said "what is it?" and I told her I didn't even want to look yet, I just needed to rest. I finally picked her up and said "It's a girl". We didn't have a girl name, we were sure it was going to be a boy. The funny thing is, in my head I was going to say "It's Elizabeth" and instead what came out is "It's a girl". Elizabeth was one of many names we talked about, but that was never a front runner. It was just the name that came to me. My husband will tell you the same thing happened to him. God gave us her name... it means "my God is bountiful".
I instantly loved her and praised God for her, I couldn't believe she was mine: 7lbs 10oz of the most beautiful little GIRL. I was able to forget the events of the morning for a short while so that I could breath her in. But for months afterwards I had sharp pain in my back from the missed epidural and was reminded of how painful, physically and emotionally, the whole event was. I'm thankful it's all over now and am more thankful for my precious Elizabeth Ray.
So, with baby number 4 coming any minute, my husband and I had lots to talk through and plan to avoid another trauma. We narrowed down how horrible our hospital experience was and decided to forego a hospital delivery. We hope to have this baby in the comfort of our home with care providers who know and love us. I'm certain a redemptive birth story will be my next post.
Stay tuned....
With that being said, I'm going to document it as best as I can before I have a new, redemptive, birth story to share with you all. It's long, I kept everything in that I could remember. This is more for me, than for you.
Thursday, November 12th, 2015: I asked my husband to work from home because I had a few intense contractions. He works about an hour and a half away from home and I just wanted to be sure he stayed close that day. I wasn't timing contractions or feeling like I was in labor, but I felt close. I called my mom before she left for work and told her not to come out but to keep her phone close by. My contractions were VERY irregular but felt "real". I'd have to stop and breath through them but I wasn't getting more than 1 every hour.
A friend of mine took my 2 kids to the library for story time and allowed me to stay home and rest. My mom called and said she wanted to come out, even though I specifically asked her not to. I felt discouraged that my husband was home, my mom was on her way, my kids were taken care of, but I wasn't progressing. My mom came out and just sat on the couch, waiting for something to happen. It was stormy out so we couldn't go walk, I didn't even call my midwife because I wasn't sure what was happening yet. I just knew I wanted baby to come soon.
After a long day of very little excitement, my mom went home. I started to research irregular contractions and came to the conclusion that baby was OP (sunny side up) which was delaying labor. I was recommend a few moves from the Miles Circuit and tried to get baby to flip. We headed to bed that night and I was crying out to the Lord for something to happen before Nathaniel had to leave for work the next morning (at 5:30am). I just didn't want him far away, the contractions I WAS having were hard and needed my full attention, they just weren't picking up.
Friday, November 13th, 2015: I woke up at 4:20am to a BIG contraction. I stared at my alarm clock and begged God for this to be it. I dozed back off to sleep and woke up at 4:30 to another BIG contraction. Phew, 10 minutes apart, now we're on to something. I laid until 4:40 when another BIG contraction came and I was ready to jump for joy. I got up to use the bathroom and in the process lost my plug and had some bloody show. PRAISE GOD! THIS WAS IT! IT'S HAPPENING!
After I went to the bathroom my contractions started coming quick. I used my contraction timer app to keep track and instantly the contractions were 4 minutes apart, 3 minutes apart, 2 minutes apart and before Nathaniel's alarm went off at 5:00 I called his dad to have him come up and be with the kids so we could go to the hospital. At 4:59 I woke Nathaniel up and said "We HAVE to get to the hospital, my contractions are 2 minutes apart". I set out breakfast while Nathaniel got dressed and his dad was there in minutes. I was laboring in front of my father-in-law which I'll never forget as so incredibly awkward to me, but we were out the door and at the hospital by 5:15.
I had a HUGE contraction in the parking lot that felt very much like someone stabbing me in the back with a knife. During this time Nathaniel was trying to pray for me and laid his hand on my back which intensified the pain and I was not happy. We scurried to the front door only to find that it was locked... WHAT!?! This same door happens to be the Emergency Room door. There was a "call" button to push which went to someone's desk phone but no one answered. So we were locked out. Thankfully, after a few minutes of panic, a janitor happened to walk by and let us in.
We didn't pass a single person on our way to the Birthing Wing in the very back of the Hospital. Thankfully, right when we walked into the doors of the Birthing Wing there was a nurse walking by. I think I said "Well, it's a great day to have a baby" and she says "You think so, huh?". I told her I hadn't called my midwife but my contractions were coming on quick and strong. She said she can't get us into a room until we've registered and that we'd have to go back to the front desk and register. What? It was a ghost town out there lady, there was no one who could register us and I wasn't going to walk all the way back through the hospital. She agreed to let me stay in a room while my husband went to register me. I think it took him 10 minutes to do that and come back with papers for me to sign and then he had to go return the papers. I kept asking the nurse to run the tub and call my midwife and she said she couldn't do anything until I was registered and that my midwife would want to know how far along I was and she couldn't check me until after I got registered. She wouldn't even let me get into a gown for fear of "dirtying laundry unnecessarily".... at this point I was VERY clearly in labor and miserable. I was admitted, finally, at 5:50am - the nurse checked me. I was at 5.5 cm, 90% effaced, and baby was at -1 station. She called my Midwife and then started the tub. I got in the tub around 6 and finally was able to be coherent and reasonable between contractions. I could think clearly again and had a tiny break between contractions. I had to pee so bad and there was no toilet in the tub room. I told my husband I wanted to pee in the sink because I had to go so bad. He wouldn't let me. I was really uncomfortable in this particular tub because there was a button to the jets right on the edge of the only part I could lean over during contractions. So every contraction I'd bump that button and jets would shoot right into my stomach.... THE WORST. The nurse came in to see how I was doing and I kept asking for my Midwife. She said she was on her way and instantly I started feeling some pressure to push. I asked the nurse to check me again and she said she couldn't feel any cervix so I needed to get back to my room for delivery. As we walked down the hall my Midwife came running in. I was SO relieved to see her and hear her voice. And to be almost done....
We got into the room and my Midwife checked me again (right around 6:15).... she said I was at 5cm. Wait WHAT!?! I went backwards? And I'm not done? In hindsight, the nurse was most likely wrong with her first and second check but I couldn't see that in the moment. My Midwife assured me I was still progressing and that I was fully effaced and baby was at +1 station so progress really was being made. In my mind and body I gave up. I asked for an epidural. I wanted out, I had already been put through so much emotionally, laboring alone in a room for 20 minutes while my husband got me registered, waiting for the nurse to even start the tub or call my Midwife, being uncomfortable in the tub and having to get out - I didn't feel like I had any coping options so I gave up. My Midwife explained that the Anesthesiologist was on call and it would probably be 30 minutes before he got there. I didn't care, at least I had an end in sight. I was immediately hooked up to a fetal monitor, an IV, and a blood pressure machine. I was completely stuck in bed with very limited options to move since I had cords on both arms and a band around my stomach. They had to get a full IV in me which they started at 6:35 and told me would take about 30 minutes... HOPEFULLY the anesthesiologist would be there by then.
My husband was fanning my face and quiet, my Midwife sat on a bench, helpless, and just watched. I was sinking deeper and deeper mentally with each contraction and they didn't seem to stop. My back was in constant pain. My Midwife offered me some combs to squeeze, at first I had no idea what she was talking about, and then she brought in hair combs and I squeezed them until I was almost bleeding... It didn't help. I asked my husband to put deodorment on me because I could smell myself, I asked him to give me water only I couldn't swallow it, I just let it pour right out of my mouth, and I had him fan me because I was sweating. I'm so thankful for him. He made that last stretch possible.
The Anesthesiologist showed up at 7:20.... almost an hour later. During this time there was a nurse shift change so there were actually 4 nurses in the room, my midwife and husband, and the Anesthesiologist and his assistant. Immediately they were placing caps and masks on us to create a "sterile environment" for the epidural. I was told by a nurse to sit up on the edge of the bed and hold still.... I couldn't. I was arching my back in so much pain, I didn't see any way I'd be able to sit still. That last hour felt like one continuous contraction. She started holding me down by my shoulders with all her might. The anesthesiologist was still setting up and wasn't even ready so I had no idea why I was being held down. It took several contractions for him to get set up and tape off my back and clean it and whatever else he did back there before he was ready and I, for the life of me, could not sit still. He stuck the epidural in and missed. I started to feel very strong pressure to push and said "I have to push" and the nurse continued to hold me down on the bed while I could feel my baby's head coming out. I said again "I have to push" and no one listened. There were so many people and so much chaos and all I remember is everyone in scrubs running around ignoring me. I was sitting on my baby's head and at my lowest point.
Somehow, the epidural needle did get put in and I was laid back down. I caught my breath while my Midwife came to check me and said "Oh, you DO need to push, on the next contraction go ahead.". I think a very small amount of the epidural medicine got put in the needle while she was checking me but I never felt any relief. I never went numb so I'm not sure exactly what happened. There might not have been time for them to put any medicine in it because I said, again, I have to push. I felt all of baby, placenta, and everything else so either the medicine got put in too late, or none was ever administered.
I told my husband to call our moms and somehow he had a few minutes to do that before I committed to getting this baby out and pushed Elizabeth Ray into her first breath at 7:45am.
I felt tortured, disrespected, ignored, and alone almost from start to finish at the Hospital. I talked it all through with my Midwife afterwards and she heard my say "I had to push" but she said since I had felt pressure at 5cm she didn't want to stop the epidural process only to find out I was only at a 6. She felt scared and defeated for me, too. I didn't have a voice and I didn't enjoy a second of my labor or delivery.
After baby came out, my Midwife said "what is it?" and I told her I didn't even want to look yet, I just needed to rest. I finally picked her up and said "It's a girl". We didn't have a girl name, we were sure it was going to be a boy. The funny thing is, in my head I was going to say "It's Elizabeth" and instead what came out is "It's a girl". Elizabeth was one of many names we talked about, but that was never a front runner. It was just the name that came to me. My husband will tell you the same thing happened to him. God gave us her name... it means "my God is bountiful".
I instantly loved her and praised God for her, I couldn't believe she was mine: 7lbs 10oz of the most beautiful little GIRL. I was able to forget the events of the morning for a short while so that I could breath her in. But for months afterwards I had sharp pain in my back from the missed epidural and was reminded of how painful, physically and emotionally, the whole event was. I'm thankful it's all over now and am more thankful for my precious Elizabeth Ray.
So, with baby number 4 coming any minute, my husband and I had lots to talk through and plan to avoid another trauma. We narrowed down how horrible our hospital experience was and decided to forego a hospital delivery. We hope to have this baby in the comfort of our home with care providers who know and love us. I'm certain a redemptive birth story will be my next post.
Stay tuned....
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