Mercies in Disguise

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are 

Your mercies in disguise"

- Laura Story "Blessings"

This song has become my Anthem. It's my hope for everything that we're going through with Zachary. It's my life song for this chapter. 

I had mentioned last week that we are making an appointment to go back to Children's for Zachary to get a biopsy/scope. The appointment is set for this Friday, the 6th, at 9:30am. 

Thankfully, they do not have to put him out for this procedure. But I received some bad news from the nurse that gave us all of our Appointment information on Tuesday - Zachary has to be having a reaction during the biopsy so that the tissue will be inflamed when they test it. Otherwise, the results will come back normal.

Nathaniel and I had agreed a few weeks ago to stop trials because we were so tired of seeing our precious boy in pain. We have been on an emotional sabbatical for the last 3 weeks knowing that we just get to enjoy happy Zachary and not worry about hurting Zachary. Now I have to intentionally give him a food that I know will fail so that we can find out what's going on.

I explained to the Nurse that his reactions last days, even weeks. That we could possibly not get over this until the middle of April. She asked if we'd like to reschedule and I let out a giant sob. "No, I wouldn't like to reschedule, to be honest, I would prefer to not have to go through this at all, you are asking me to do the single hardest thing you can ever ask a Mother to do, you are asking me to hurt my child". 


I know he's been through all this before and I know we've survived so many reactions, but this one is different. Before, with each trial, we had hope that it would pass. We started slow, gave it time, and prayed that Zachary would be able to tolerate the food. Now, I have to hope that it doesn't pass. I have to hope that the Doctor can see him at his worst so that we can get answers.


Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with sadness for everything we are going through. For the most part, it has become normal and we don't think about how hard it all is. But somedays, it all comes crashing down on me. How my son is hurting, how discouraging our trials have been, how long of a road we may have ahead of us. I lose focus and I just cry.

I know this biopsy is all in the name of getting him better, but that doesn't make it any easier. The biopsy results should be back within 2 weeks and I just pray, that after all of this, we have an answer. That it's not all for nothing.

Nathaniel and I had a long conversation about how this should go. Do we give him something he'll really enjoy so that it's at least somewhat fun for him or do we reintroduce a food that's already failed, knowing what to expect? Do we go back to Sweet Potatoes (something that makes me cry just to think about) or do we let him have a milkshake or warm gooey chocolate? We settled on pears, something he's had a bad reaction to recently, but the food he seemed to enjoy the most. 


Tears ran down my face as he sat in his high chair eagerly awaiting each bite. He wanted more and I wanted to stop. He talked and sang while I cried. It was awful for me. He's so helpless and innocent. He has no idea what's going on and I can't give him any warning for what's about to happen. I have to erase all the hard work of getting him happy and in a good sleeping pattern with one feeding. And now, I brace myself for the coming days and weeks. It's not going to be easy.


So, after I heard the news from the Nurse, I laid my hands on Zachary and I prayed for him. I lifted it all up to God and gave God a chance to work in Zachary with my hands on him. I don't believe I have the gift of healing, but I know God does. I'm learning to say "I trust You" out loud, and frequently. I KNOW that God has a purpose in all of this. I KNOW that we will be better parents, better Christians, better people, for walking through MPI. And I DO trust Him. 


Someone recently asked me how I'm surviving. How I'm doing all this, how I'm standing, how I'm able to hold my head up. I replied, "I'm not standing, I'm kneeling". And it's the truth. The only possible way I can get through each day, is letting go of my need to control everything, and letting God take over. 


So we're 3 hours post-pears and so far nothing. I believe, that in God's perfect timing, a miracle will happen and Zachary will be healed. That timing could be today, and it could be years from now. I pray for a smooth appointment on Friday and a quick recovery if he does have a reaction. And if he doesn't have a reaction, to God be the glory! 

God designed Zachary's body with specific purpose. We probably won't ever know why Zachary is hurting and why God made Zachary this way, but we do know that so much good will come from it and that we, along with many others, are being blessed in and through this journey.

"What if the trials in this life, are Your mercies in disguise"